It takes some people a bit of time to realize it, but I do what I want. I always have and I always will. If by any chance I do something that was not my choice (and it lasts longer than reasonable), I'm very disgruntled. I'm vegan because I want to be vegan. I cut off my waist-long hair and got a mohawk because I wanted a mohawk. I quit film school because I wanted to quit film school. I quit Blockbuster because I wanted to quit. I learned sideshow stunts because I wanted to perform sideshow.
And now I don't want to perform sideshow. So I'm not.
I like sideshow and I like performing- and I want to... it's just that doing it like I was wanted to did not seem like it would help my life progress. I'm the "been there, done that" girl. If something isn't new to me, I'm probably not going to want to experience it again unless I see that I will get some benefit from it.
Touring this fall didn't seem very beneficial. What does seem beneficial is working on my demo reels and portfolios and getting a media job- or just a job in general to help me set things up the way I envision. I still want to do shows- but I want to do it as a hobby and for fun, not as my career.
Does that make sense?
Also, I really, really don't appreciate it when people treat me like a charity case and offer me work because they think I can't "make it" on my own. I'm a strong person (with weak, psycho, wrist-cutter moments) and I can do just fine myself. Giving me a heads up is nice, but saying that you were holding off on asking someone else (which is a total lie, by the way, since I remember you saying you had no one else) because you thought I needed the job more kind of annoys me- especially when I initially said no.
If I'm given work, I want the job because I earned it and am wanted. Yet another reason why I quit film school. They wanted me to stay because I am a female.
My own merits, people. Remember that when you try to convince me to do something.
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