asile_de_fou: (Remyhead)
( Sep. 29th, 2010 01:34 am)
I spent the last few days at Chris' house. Being with him is much more relaxing than being with my mother and having her tell me all these ways that she looked up on the internet that can help cure me of my anxiety problems... One of her "cures" is to shove me in a room with her and my father and not leave until she says so.

I might not be a psychiatrist, but I really don't think that's the way to do it. So I brought all my drugs to Chris' house and we had a pow wow on his bed. We watched the finale of Scream Queens, Battle Royale, and Alice in Wonderland. We played with rats. I played the Sims while he fixed his parents computer.

I had a vacation from my family.

I took my anxiety meds twice. Both times before bed when I felt like breathing was especially difficult and all the other crazy things that were going through my head. I don't know if they really relaxed me or what, but they helped me sleep and I got the best sleep that I've had in days. It was great.

Chris and I figured out that I mostly couldn't breathe because I was focusing on my breathing the whole time and not letting breathing come naturally. I was tightening up my chest myself and controlling everything, which was a total disaster.

I am now back at my parents' house, much more relaxed and breathing like I'm supposed to (I think). Studying French and playing with Rosetta Stone really helped me focus on something else.

I don't plan on taking any meds tonight unless something happens, but I think I am mostly recovered. My breathing isn't totally normal, but it's not wrong on the scale that made me freak out... and it could just be a result of me making myself not breathe right for a long time.

I am so relieved that there wasn't something critically wrong with me.

I think that this was all withdrawal from World of Warcraft since my subscription expired a week ago...
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2010 06:46 pm)
My mother took me to Urgent Care because nothing was making me feel better. The doctor there told me, "You are perfectly healthy... physically."

And then he prescribed me some anxiety pills. Maybe it will help.

And if I have side effects, I won't know the difference!
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2010 12:53 am)
I went to the doctor and he said it was just my allergies and asthma being retarded, so he hooked me up with sample medications (inhaler and allergy pills). He also insisted that I get a flu shot because I'll probably be doomed this season or something.

I'm not really feeling better, but I don't feel hysterical or like I'm going to die or faint.

I went to bed around 9:00 and just woke up (12:30), but I think I'm going back to sleep because it's the only time I stop paying attention to how I can't breathe.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.
So after I wrote that entry, I thought several things which made my difficulty breathing even worse. I convinced myself that I probably had a collapsed lung and was dying, so I started hyperventilating and no matter what I did, I could not get myself to calm down. In turn, this got me to nearly pass out several times because I'd cry and the front of my brain would go numb. My fingers would go numb... and no matter what I tried to make myself think about, I couldn't make myself breathe normally and go to sleep.

At about 6 AM, I woke up my parents while in hysterics.

My mother told me that I was overreacting and tried to get me to sleep. I tried sitting in the bathroom with hot water running to breathe in the steam, hoping it would clear up my lungs, but I just ended up feeling claustrophobic and like I was suffocating.

I was terrified that I was going to die and if there wasn't anyone around to see me passed out on the floor, I thought I would die.

So it seems that as soon as I get a job and health insurance, I am going to the doctor for an inhaler and then I am also going to a psychiatrist.

There is something wrong with me on several levels and I need help.

I eventually fell asleep and I told my parents that I didn't need to go see my doctor or anything when I woke up, because I thought I was feeling better... but now that I've been moving around a little bit, I think I was wrong.

I was going to see Christopher today and go to Kroger for food, but I'm not allowed to leave and honestly, it's probably not the best idea. I hope I go back to normal soon.
asile_de_fou: (Ego)
( Sep. 18th, 2010 04:07 pm)
I couldn't get to sleep last night. I had a sore throat all day yesterday and when I came home from Christopher's house, the nephew monster was here. This instantly put me into a bad mood because I had intended on getting some kind of work done before bed, but instead I was put under stress and child-related anxiety. I moved a larger television to my room, but when I was clearing space for it, my heart felt like it was being squeezed or damaged in some way. The feeling was only brief, but the impact was very large.

If I knew what a heart attack felt like, I'm sure that would have been it.

I have to find consistent work soon and move back out or else I will die.

Today I feel like absolute crap. My sinuses are all fucked up and my muscles hurt. Eating vegan has not boosted my immune system.

So I've just been laying around all day and apparently unknowingly starting trouble on the internet again. I should just stop talking to people. I only make them angry.

stuff )


asile_de_fou: (Default)


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