asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2010 06:46 pm)
My mother took me to Urgent Care because nothing was making me feel better. The doctor there told me, "You are perfectly healthy... physically."

And then he prescribed me some anxiety pills. Maybe it will help.

And if I have side effects, I won't know the difference!
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2010 12:53 am)
I went to the doctor and he said it was just my allergies and asthma being retarded, so he hooked me up with sample medications (inhaler and allergy pills). He also insisted that I get a flu shot because I'll probably be doomed this season or something.

I'm not really feeling better, but I don't feel hysterical or like I'm going to die or faint.

I went to bed around 9:00 and just woke up (12:30), but I think I'm going back to sleep because it's the only time I stop paying attention to how I can't breathe.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.
So after I wrote that entry, I thought several things which made my difficulty breathing even worse. I convinced myself that I probably had a collapsed lung and was dying, so I started hyperventilating and no matter what I did, I could not get myself to calm down. In turn, this got me to nearly pass out several times because I'd cry and the front of my brain would go numb. My fingers would go numb... and no matter what I tried to make myself think about, I couldn't make myself breathe normally and go to sleep.

At about 6 AM, I woke up my parents while in hysterics.

My mother told me that I was overreacting and tried to get me to sleep. I tried sitting in the bathroom with hot water running to breathe in the steam, hoping it would clear up my lungs, but I just ended up feeling claustrophobic and like I was suffocating.

I was terrified that I was going to die and if there wasn't anyone around to see me passed out on the floor, I thought I would die.

So it seems that as soon as I get a job and health insurance, I am going to the doctor for an inhaler and then I am also going to a psychiatrist.

There is something wrong with me on several levels and I need help.

I eventually fell asleep and I told my parents that I didn't need to go see my doctor or anything when I woke up, because I thought I was feeling better... but now that I've been moving around a little bit, I think I was wrong.

I was going to see Christopher today and go to Kroger for food, but I'm not allowed to leave and honestly, it's probably not the best idea. I hope I go back to normal soon.
I know I'm behind... but I don't give a damn. I was actually thinking of stopping it because I'm tired of it and it seems to be pointless.

Definition of Love )

Your Day )
The whole meme.
asile_de_fou: (EA tragic)
( Sep. 23rd, 2010 04:14 am)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm vegan because Catholicism failed me and if I didn't have some belief system telling me what was wrong or right, I'd be killing everything and everyone in sight.

Is veganism just a way to keep myself off death row?

Or do I really have these "morals" which seem to be a completely human invention?
Today is yesterday for everyone else. I woke up with Chris some time around 5 or 6 PM.

Christopher fixed me leftover vegan cheese ravioli (the filling was tofu and stuff that made it taste cheesey) with potato wedges for our breakfast/lunch/dinner.

I think I have to thoroughly inspect this lens because the focus seems off. It might be my camera in general. It was flung across a bus a few months ago.

Anyway, later I ate a faux chicken sandwich and fries, coconut ice cream (cookie dough), and now I'm eating a pretzel.

I eat junk food.

The whole meme.
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 21st, 2010 12:39 am)
This is a little late, but whatever.

My parents are rather boring. My father is younger than my mother by four years, which has always struck me as strange- despite the fact that I understand "love knows no age" and yadda yadda yadda... I think it's more because I have an unusually difficult time getting along with people that are younger than me even by just a few months.

My father works for the phone company, which has been nice in regard to the fact that I don't have to pay for my cell phone service because of his company plan and the internet service has always been faster than the fastest available for customers. Now that I'm staying with my parents, I even have my own wifi which means I get to suck the shit out of the bandwidth and not worry about screwing him over when he's working from home. Unfortunately I didn't have that when I was running my own internet radio show. C'est la vie. He's very technologically oriented and because of it, my family has never been short on the new gadgets until recently.

We do get discounts on phones, but Cincinnati Bell's selection on phones is kind of lame. They seem to be improving, but it doesn't matter.

My father golfs a lot and watches golf a lot. He likes action movies, but he sleeps through them all.

He's a smart ass and I get most of my attitude from him.

My mother is from Kentucky and she's Catholic. She works as a secretary in a church, but is thinking of retiring this year. I am scared for my life if she retires because she will be looking for a project and I know it will end up being me if I don't move back out soon. She and I do not really get along and she often asks me why I'm so mean because she didn't raise me to be this way. She does not understand technology at all and it is a chore trying to tell her how to do anything. If I do tell her how to do something, she forgets. She has told me she does not want to learn how technology works because she believes it is unimportant.

I think relying on other people to help you with technology is stupid.

My mother is extremely conservative and she disapproves of just about everything I do and everyone I talk to.

People tell me all the time that I look like my mother and I hope every single one of those people dies a painful death.

The whole meme
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Sep. 19th, 2010 03:05 am)
Honestly, I couldn't tell you who my first love was. I guess technically it should be the first boy that I dated that I was upset over when he broke up with me, but looking back on it, I really didn't like him. At all. I didn't like any of the boys I dated. They were really all just boys that wanted me to kiss them and I would always throw up a little in my mouth every time they would try to convince me.

My first crush that existed in the same world as me was a boy named Brian. All of his friends picked on me and he drew pictures of cows in my yearbooks. He was mean to me sometimes, but he always saved a dance for me at dances and youth group parties. I was kind of obsessed with him and I hate admitting it. Thinking back on it embarrasses me and I'm glad that we never really even became friends. He used to make me so upset. Ugh.

I hate thinking about the past. Really.

Moving on.

The whole meme
asile_de_fou: (Ego)
( Sep. 18th, 2010 04:07 pm)
I couldn't get to sleep last night. I had a sore throat all day yesterday and when I came home from Christopher's house, the nephew monster was here. This instantly put me into a bad mood because I had intended on getting some kind of work done before bed, but instead I was put under stress and child-related anxiety. I moved a larger television to my room, but when I was clearing space for it, my heart felt like it was being squeezed or damaged in some way. The feeling was only brief, but the impact was very large.

If I knew what a heart attack felt like, I'm sure that would have been it.

I have to find consistent work soon and move back out or else I will die.

Today I feel like absolute crap. My sinuses are all fucked up and my muscles hurt. Eating vegan has not boosted my immune system.

So I've just been laying around all day and apparently unknowingly starting trouble on the internet again. I should just stop talking to people. I only make them angry.

stuff )
My name is Kristen and I was born August 19, 1986. My family and I lived in the suburbs in Fairfield, OH. The neighbor kids were my best (and sometimes only) friends. My mother said that the reason I didn't go to pre-school was because I already had a friend (Adam) and pre-school would have been unnecessary. Since my birthday was a summer birthday, I had the option to start school "early" or start a year later. My parents chose "early," which resulted in me being the youngest in my class from kindergarten until I graduated from college in 2007.
These memes are going around... I'm really not one for memes, but I think I'll do this one... which means I'll probably be posting multiple times a day. I can't guarantee that I will do all of these, but hey- this could really help me work out my writing kinks.

List )
asile_de_fou: (AMD-desk)
( Sep. 12th, 2010 07:14 pm)
I'm worried.

I guess "concerned" and "anxious" is more like it. Chris and I have every intention of getting married on October 10th- without anyone's blessing or whatever. We're just going to do it.

However, I have $2.00 in my bank account (I just attempted to pay a little more than the minimum balance on my credit card). I don't know how much Chris has in his, but I'm pretty confident it's not enough for even one month's rent. But if we get married and still don't have jobs, we're not going to be able to move in to our own apartment.

I'll probably have to continue what I'm doing right now- staying at my parents' for a day or two and then staying with Chris for several days... That's even if my parents let me stay with them. The whole idea is making me sick. I want to marry Chris- and I want to do it on the 10th because that's what we've been planning, but I'm concerned that it's not going to happen.

I have applied to Borders and Cord Camera so far. I am also working on my profile for Creatives On Call and my resume to send out to some other companies. I don't even know if anyone is hiring right now, but I feel like driving a nail through my eyeball.

I've also been considering going back to school. I've been looking at University of Cincinnati (CCM, actually) to finish my bachelor's in the same program that I got my associate's. I'm hoping that it would take less than two years because of the things I studied at WSU. I'm waiting for a response from the department head, so we'll see... but they'll probably say "Fuck that" because I dropped out of WSU in the middle of a quarter... but maybe I can plead my case?

I don't even know if that's really how I want to go about things right now.

Job first. We'll think about school later...

I'm willing to work anywhere except the food industry right now- just to get me on my feet. I wish I had known that I was FOR SURE NOT going on tour a lot sooner because I'd probably be working somewhere cool by now. I don't even want think of the series of misunderstandings about tour anymore. It just gives me even more anxiety. Communication. Is. Key.

Find a job. Find a job. Find a job.

Just sent my resume to someone looking for a Flash animator. *crosses fingers*
asile_de_fou: (EA tragic)
( Sep. 10th, 2010 05:14 am)
Every night I'm not with Chris, I pout in my bed and think, "I want to go home."

Also, I'm glad we're not on tour... and I'm tired of people that lie to me to make me feel like I made a huge mistake by staying behind.

Fuck that.

I got presents today. Presents from myself- made by Emilie Autumn. In a happy-like state... or at least was.

pics )

Real post someday. Maybe I'll even read my friends page once.
A few days ago, I mentioned that I was hired as a blogger for ThisDishisVeg. Today, my first article was posted! Check it out!.

I received some great feedback from the people that run the site. They said that they were impressed. It made me so happy.

Also, do check out the rest of the articles on the site and comment if you can.

If that doesn't really interest you, here are links to some of my favorite working photographers.

Steven Perry
Kyle Cassidy

asile_de_fou: (Tankgirlcig)
( Aug. 30th, 2010 03:24 pm)
Not nice at all. )
And three hours later, he's still going about it... )

But wait! There's more! For some reason... )
Final bit... )

Not only did I completely successfully hijack this thread, but I also wasted this guy's whole day since he was dwelling on it. Kristen wins.
asile_de_fou: (EA tragic)
( Aug. 29th, 2010 03:02 pm)
Watching I Love Lucy reminded me of something stupid that I did when I was in grade school. There's an episode where Lucy and Ethel are trying to be "sexy" and sophisticated. They swing their hips and smoke cigarettes. I saw this episode and thought it was amazing.

Being the impressionable young fifth grader (or whatever I was) that I was, I decided that I would attempt to attract the opposite sex in much the same way while at school. So I walked across the classroom and started swinging my hips... very dramatically...

And then I ran into a desk.

Everyone laughed.

I was such a dork.
asile_de_fou: (Default)
( Aug. 28th, 2010 09:44 pm)
First, the whole birthday fiasco was apparently just a "misunderstanding." But it wasn't until a few days AFTER my birthday and all the anger and depression was bubbling out of me in my parents' direction that I was told, "You never told us what you wanted for your birthday."

I think what really happened was that because I wasn't obsessing over my birthday, they thought they could slack off... and then my brother or my sister read my Facebook status and told them why I was angry.

So I made them spend $140 dollars on the complete series of I Love Lucy. They wouldn't spend $220 on an external flash for my Nikon, so I asked for the next most expensive thing that I wanted.

It arrived yesterday and now I'm set up in the basement watching the lost pilot episode on the big screen and with surround sound... which really makes no sense since the show was made for tiny TVs- haha.

I still haven't gotten my cake, though.

My brother took me out for Indian food as my birthday gift (it was my first time and it was amazing) and my sister gave me a giftcard for Target, which I spent on a stuff pack for The Sims 3.

Christopher bought me the expansion pack that I was missing for The Sims 3 and of course, he bought tickets to see Billy Idol, which is this coming Friday.

Aside from birthday news, I heard back from my student loan lender today and apparently they want me to pay more money a month than I had initially- after I applied for Income Based Repayment (IBR), but supposedly, I sent them the wrong information... so I have to fix that this week. Ugh.

With all of that aside, I've been hired as a guest blogger for ThisDishisVeg. I get to blog about veg news, animal rights, and other related stuff. There is no pay for now, but the site seems to be coming along nicely- and it's one of my favorite veg sites to read, so I have high hopes for it. I'm not listed on it yet, as I still have to write a bio and add a picture... but it should be good stuff! I'm excited.

That's all I have for now.
asile_de_fou: (Bats at the Library 1)
( Aug. 26th, 2010 10:37 pm)
[Poll #1611224]

I have a book that has been in the works for awhile... I'm slowly putting it together- gathering old material, making new material... I hope it'll be pretty great... However, I'm still debating on whether I should try for a publisher or just self-publish it.

I know that really, self-publishing means absolutely nothing and is kind of laughable to any writers that have legitimately been published. I also know that is possible to get a real publishing deal after having self-published.

The book is a book of poetry matched with photography- if that makes a difference.

I don't know. What do you guys think?
I spent last night animating icons and didn't get to sleep until after 6 AM. While it felt really good to do some simple animation after not having animated for a very long time, sleeping sucked. I had a dream that I was at my parents' old house with Reno and I had been sitting on top of the jungle gym doing art (because that's what I did when I was a kid). I heard sirens and looked off in the distance and there was a huge tornado headed my way. I ran inside to tell my father and he thought he had time to grab something off the porch to bring it inside. While he was out there, I asked him if he could grab my art supplies that I left on the monkey bars. He agreed, but there was no time. The wind came howling by and my father was slowly lifted off his feet.

The look on his face was absolutely horrifying. He had nothing to grab on to, as the trees that were originally in the spot where he was standing were there no longer. I tried to throw him a dog leash, but it was no use. I had no other choice but to watch my father be lifted off the ground and die.

I forced myself awake before the dream actually got past the initial lifting, but I've not had a dream so branded into my brain in a long time. I have nightmares all of the time, but this is the most disturbing that I've had in awhile. I know I've said recently that I wish my parents would die, but I don't think I meant it. As much as I do not get along with my parents, I do feel guilty for all the cruel things that I have said and done. I just don't know how to stop it anymore. They still get under my skin in ways that most people don't. It's probably not as much a problem with them as it is a problem with me. Maybe I am broken.

Animations! )
asile_de_fou: (Come get the voodoo)
( Aug. 25th, 2010 02:56 am)
The world is hovering in the strange time and place, known only as 2:30 AM. My dog is snoring and the parentals are sleeping... and I'm using a panda as a pillow. This must mean that strange ramblings are afoot.

I don't really get along with people. I have an uncanny ability to get on someone's bad side- even if they are a total stranger. Take when I worked at Blockbuster for example. I spent days and days just getting yelled at by people for no reason. People LOVE to stop me in grocery stores and other public places and tell me how I'm not dressed appropriately. Or even one time, when I was in Wal-Mart, an old man asked me if I had any tattoos and then went on to tell me how I shouldn't get any.

Yesterday, I walked into Sally's Beauty Supply to grab cuticle sticks. I could have walked out with them (and I nearly did) just because they refused to help me and decided that their time was better spent hanging out in the back room while I waited to be rung up. I ended up just leaving.

And everyone wonders why I don't like people.

I don't even dress that "outlandish," usually. I have a mohawk and I wear black. Whoopdidoo.

If someone unfriends me on LJ, I understand that I probably offended them. My journal entries usually aren't very nice- especially if I'm talking about people (which is most often). I've even been called racist just because I mentioned someone was black. People that read my LJ at least have some grounds to hate me. They disagree with my opinions, think I'm stuck up, think I'm a bitch- or I'm a whiny good for nothing poser- depending on the day.

I think it's okay for you to hate me if you read my LJ. However, I do not think it's okay for you to hate me just because I walked into your store and you looked at me.